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Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Talking out loud

     I seem to do a lot of remembering while I'm driving home from work. Tonight I thought about how I used to talk out loud while I was playing alone. I don't remember when I started doing it, but I do remember when I stopped... or at least when I started trying harder not to get caught at it.
     That day, I was playing outside the place where my brother had his cello lesson. There was a great play-set, and since I was the oldest of two children, I was used to entertaining myself. So I started spinning on the merry-go-round and pretending it was a time machine. (No, I hadn't heard of Doctor Who yet.) I was talking to thin air, explaining that LIVING was time travel, because time never stopped. Then another kid who was there for his brother's cello lesson walked up and asked what I was doing. I don't remember if I tried to explain, or if I mumbled something about playing on the merry-go-round. I just remember the awkwardness of the situation. I couldn't have been more than 9 or 10, but after that I realized it was kind of strange to talk out loud with no one listening. Maybe I thought I was too old for that sort of thing. Then again, I was embarrassed about a lot of things when I was younger. At any rate, I'm pretty sure that's when I tried to stop talking out loud. Before that, I'd just get carried away and not even notice I was doing it.
     These days, I mostly try to carry on conversations with myself inside my head. That's probably why I love writing so much. It's a lot easier for me to express myself through the written word. It gives me a chance to see what I'm thinking before I share it with anyone. I love writing in my journal for the same reason. That's where I can be myself completely. Now, there's my blog, too. This is basically me talking out loud, sharing my thoughts. These days, I've learned to be a lot more confident about sharing my thoughts with those around me. I'm still hesitant to speak up, sometimes, but I've learned to get over awkwardness. And my audience isn't imaginary anymore.
I think awkwardness is mostly all in our heads and we should laugh things off as often as possible. Playing around and deciding not to be embarrassed is a good idea. Not to say that you shouldn't take important things seriously, but if you can't just have fun with life, that's kind of sad. This photo is from May the Fourth, 2013.